Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
