I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
