He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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