I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
