he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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