Someone shit on the floor
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
