I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
