East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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