"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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