so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He? As in you personified your dick?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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