Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
