apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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