Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
