either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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