My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
These tits shall not be calmed
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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