You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
