I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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