everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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