he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
