It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
