I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I want a musical about memes.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
