Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
