someone get that fucking seahorse.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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