when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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