census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
