your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize