we're chasing vodka with high fives
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
