dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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