Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
