You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
