Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
