Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize