goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
