I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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