Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just had sex on a roof
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
