Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
