Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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