Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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