This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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