Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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