Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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