Walk of Shame. In a state park.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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