tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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