My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
