Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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