We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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