I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
