I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
