I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
