I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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