did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
