non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
