I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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