I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
