if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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