Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
