Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
