Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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