why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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