one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
