Just cropdusted the office
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
