is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
